you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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