I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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