Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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