just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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