she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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