So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
