She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
