so that wasnt chicken after all
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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