just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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