I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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