I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm really busy with my period
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