i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize