There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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