just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am midnight drunk by noon
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
