Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My vagina just clenched in fear
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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