I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
