all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
