allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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