I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
