no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
