The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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