Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
