My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
