I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
