she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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