I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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