my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
