I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
