i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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