remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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