if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
