Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
