Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize