your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
