Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
