you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
