the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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