you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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