just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
