I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Randomize
