Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
