I think I won the penis lottery.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
3 2 1 whiskey
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
