cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
