I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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