I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Drake has all the answers
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize