I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize