I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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