guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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