mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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