I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
