The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
