god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
