Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
