Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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